The Start of Senior Year and Everything After That.

Basically, all of my back-and-forth thoughts that have spiraled in my head from me starting my senior year. YAY.

Soooo holy crap I'm a senior in college. I really feel like it was just yesterday that I was moving all of my crap into my little shoe box of a dorm (Gillet) to Mizzou. RIP to that place and all of the crazy memories WOW. My mom's car was packed to the rim with all the things I thought I needed for my freshman year. I was beyond excited and nervous all at the same time.

Looking back now from where I am today, I think about just how young I was. I was so incredibly ready to get out of my hometown, to try something new, to meet new people, to learn, and to create a life for myself.

It honestly feels like yesterday I was a senior in high school, so excited for what the year had in store, yet so scared for the next year was going to look like for me.

For me, now, I honestly have no idea what the plan is after college. And that, for my type A personality, is scaring the crap out of me.

Because for the first time, really ever in my life there is no plan. There is not safety net. There are no life blocks already set in place. At least for right now. I feel like I have no idea what's going to happen. I'm on my own.

But maybe that's the beauty of it.

Now, depending on who you ask, they might think that no plan sounds incredibly awesome. And to me I think they're crazy.

When I think about what really scares me I think that I'm just scared of leaving my life here at school. I'm scared to leave the people, the connections I've made, the reputation I've set for myself to the people here, the town, my routine and soooo much more.

For me, it's not college and not school for me.

It's more than that.

It's where I met some of my best friends, where I learned, where I made mistakes, where I grew, where I built community, where I found the things I love, and where I became the person I am today.

While I know I'm going to be fine because I do trust myself and that it all will work out, it's all really scary. The unknown is.

Moving out of my hometown was huge for me. It was what I needed to grow, to learn, to mature, and to experience life on my own with the help of no one. For me, one of the proudest things I've done for myself is create a life for myself here. Over the past four years, I've worked incredibly hard to be involved, to meet people, to create a name for myself at Mizzou and within Columbia as well.

But when you think about it, and I'm not saying that all connections I've made here won't potentially help in the future, it feels like a lot of the work I've done here will just be here, then I'll be gone off doing something else.

It's like there's a sort of fomo or nostalgia that I'm missing out on or that I put all this work in here for me to leave it.

I'm scared to do that all over again. To make new friends. To be in a new environment. To make a name for myself. To show what I'm capable of. To show what I'm good at. Scared of what could happen.

I'm someone who is not afraid of hard work or hustle because I can do it, and I know I can. But I won't sit her and say that I'm not worried

However, I know, and I do think that is the beauty of life, the challenges and lessons it brings you. And maybe that's what I need to remember. Maybe, for right now, while I'm here, I just need to not stress about the future. To enjoy the now.

The "what could be" of post-grad. Today and now is all I have left at this amazing place with these amazing people who have truly become my family.

At the end of the day, all we seniors have is now. Tomorrow is not promised.

My advice to any senior right now, like me, who's slightly losing their shit like me, is to just simply enjoy the now. To take it all in. To be thankful, to be appreciative, to be selfish with your own time, and just have some fun. Because there are no more $2 Tuesdays or $3 Thursdays in Chicago.

.........Well, maybe there are, but none I would trust.

Also, since on the topic. Be proud of yourself. Like, YES you have absolutely made it this far, and that was not easy. I mean, really...... be proud of yourself because you did it, you earned and you've almost made it ;)